頓悟

乘小巴回家，
耳裡是 Damien Rice 悲哀的嗓子跟音樂，
夾雜著司機超速行車時，
規律得像心跳般的示警聲。

腦子裡無意識地想著一些人和事，
忽然好像有所頓悟－－

其實，
我很久，
已沒有為自己自私地作過任何事。

彷彿找到了長久以來悲哀的原因。

我是否該為此覺醒而感到欣喜？

Revolutionary Road (2)

"You just wanted out, huh?"

"I wanted IN! I just wanted us to live again. For years I thought we've shared this secret that we would be wonderful in the world. I didn't know exactly how, but just the possibility kept me hoping. How pathetic is that? So stupid. To put all your hopes in a promise that was never made? Frank knows what he wants, he found his place, he's just fine. Married, two kids, it should be enough. It is for him. And he's right. We were never special or destined or anything at all."

從多年的夢境中醒過來，
焦慮與恐懼，
然後尋得一絲自欺的希望，
再破滅。

看不到前路也回不了過去。

愛的人跟自己走散了，
只剩下自己一個徬徨無助。
到最後，連愛也消失，
就只有孤寂、孤寂。

太累而絕望，
然後把一切結束掉。

留下 Frank 自己一人，
繼續在浮生路上走。

＊ ＊ ＊



"Hopeless emptiness. Now you said it, plenty of people are on to the emptiness, but it takes real guts to see the hopelessness."

這個人，
令我想起尼采。

The Reader

又是音樂先行。

書寫

這些天裡很多關於我的事我都沒有寫下來，部份出於懶惰（現在我白天睡得又久又沉，似乎睡時體重變得較重），部份出於害怕，怕洩露我對自己的認知。這種害怕是有道理的，因為透過書寫自我認知將成定局，所以它若不是完整而面面俱到，所有枝微末節的可能後果都已考量在內，並且是完全真實的，實不宜貿然下筆。

《卡夫卡的日記》，1911 年 1 月 12 日

Accidental Babies

Well I held you like a lover
Happy hands and your elbow in the appropriate place

And we ignored our others, happy plans
For that delicate look upon your face

Our bodies moved and hardened
Hurting parts of your garden
With no room for a pardon
In a place where no one knows what we have done

Do you come
Together ever with him?
And is he dark enough?
Enough to see your light?
And do you brush your teeth before you kiss?
Do you miss my smell?
And is he bold enough to take you on?
Do you feel like you belong?
And does he drive you wild?
Or just mildly free?
What about me?

Well you held me like a lover
Sweaty hands
And my foot in the appropriate place

And we use cushions to cover
Happy glands
In the mild issue of our disgrace

Our minds pressed and guarded
While our flesh disregarded
The lack of space for the light-hearted In the boom that beats our drum

Well I know I make you cry
And I know sometimes you wanna die
But do you really feel alive without me?
If so, be free
If not, leave him for me
Before one of us has accidental babies For we are in love

Do you come
Together ever with him?
Is he dark enough?
Enough to see your light?
Do you brush your teeth before you kiss?
Do you miss my smell?
And is he bold enough to take you on?
Do you feel like you belong?
And does he drive you wild?
Or just mildly free?

What about me?
What about me?

星期六的孤獨

中午起床，做家務，跟貓玩，聽聽剛買回來的唱片，吃午飯，看書。
時間還剩很多，我問自己，還可以做甚麼呢？
我還是，坐在電腦前發呆。

太陽消失掉之後，我給貓吃晚飯，
然後決定自己出去，漫無目的地遊蕩。

在地鐵隨便下了車，才發覺週末街上的人多得過份，
多得令我懷疑，在地球另一邊的地方，會否因為這邊人太多的關係，
地殼昇高了呢？

走在街上，越走越覺孤獨。
好像街上所有人都認識對方，
就只有我，是個透明的陌生人，
大家都看不見我。

透明得，在街上推銷寬頻和信用咭的，都看不見我。

慢慢地，我停下腳步，站在人潮中，
任由人群把我推走。

Elephant

Well this has got to die
I said, this has got to stop
This has got to lie down
With someone else on top

Well, you can keep me pinned
It's easier to tease
But you can't paint an elephant
Quite as good as she

And she may cry like a baby
And she may drive me Crazy
'Cause I am lately lonely

So why'd you have to lie?
I take it I'm your crutch
The pillow in your pillow case
Is easier to touch

And when you think you've sinned
Do you fall upon your knees?
Or d'you sit within your picture?
Do you still forget the breeze?

And she may rise, if I sing you down
And she may wisely cling to the ground
Cause I am lately, horny
So why would she take me horny?

What's the point of this song? Or even singing?
You've already gone, why am I clinging?
Well I could throw it out, and I could live without
And I could do it all for you
I could be strong
Tell me if you want me to lie
'Cause this has got to die

I said, this has got to stop
This has got to lie down, down
With someone else on top

You can both keep me pinned
'Cause it's easier to tease
But you can't make me happy
Quite as good as me

Well you know that's a lie

Revolutionary Road

小說跟電影前，
先聽音樂。

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (2)

Clementine: Joel, the eraser guys are coming here,
                          so what if you take me somewhere else,
                          somewhere where I don't belong,
                          and we hide there till morning?

Joel: Oh, man. I can't remember anything without you.

Eternal Sunshine Of the Spotless Mind

From the wrinkles on my forehead
To the mud upon my shoe
Everything's a memory
With strings that tie to you

In my dream I'm often running
To the place that's out of you
Of every kind of memory
With strings that tie to you

Though a change has taken place
And I no longer do adore her
Still every God forsaken place is always
Right around the corner

Now I know it's either them or me
So I'll bury every clue
And every kind of memory
With strings that tie to you

And every kind of memory
With strings that tie to you

為甚麼常常會想起這齣電影呢？
很久以前看過一次罷了，片段卻總是在腦海中重放著。

Mary引用尼采的說：
"Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders."

如果可以，我也想得到祝福，
幸福得把這齣電影也忘掉。