我到底，是在生活著，還只是生存著?
活著的感覺，對我而言，好像總是遙不可及。
當M告訴我 "Do more with my life" 的時候，
我問自己，我可以做些甚麼呢？
我了解。
其實做甚麼也可以，只是欠缺自信跟勇氣罷了。
已忘了從何時起，
她那種自然流露而又沒有惡意的冷漠，
把我的自信蠶蝕飴盡。
「妳看，我的設計好嗎？」 「還好吧。」
「妳喜歡我唱的歌嗎？」 「還好吧。」
「喜歡我送妳的禮物嗎？」 「還好吧。」
還好吧。
還好吧。
還好吧。
還好吧。
還好吧。
還好吧。
我就這樣被推進枯井中，久久也沒有人發覺。
尼采提醒我們隱藏在瘋狂背後的現實世界：「看看不同的機制和社會禮俗如何讓片刻的熾熱傾慕變成了永恆的忠實，讓憤怒的欲望變成永恆的報復，把絕望變成永恆的悲傷，把一時的話語變成永恆的責任。每一次的僞裝都為世界帶來更多的虛偽和欺騙。」
尼采在文中認為，對象的理想化和誇大是無法持久的。無論激情如何蒙蔽我們，現實世界絕對不會像感官的胡言亂語那樣美好。現實世界總是如當頭棒喝，我們最好事先做好心理準備。在心旌搖曳的狀況下，我們把事物膨脹到無限大。基於「片刻的熾烈傾慕」，也就是激情，我們承諾永恆的忠實，但那完全是兩碼子事。激情是短暫且有限的，而永恆的承諾顧名思義則是長期的事。
......
兩情繾綣的時候，山盟海誓顯得容易，大概戀人都該有一份附件，註明當時所說的一切不見得是真的。當激情退潮、恢復理性時，我們才可以開始認真討論，所幸那一刻肯定遲早會到來，因為對象理想化的歷程是無法持久的。
持存的是為了曾經沉湎於白日夢裡而感到無限歡喜，無論是寵愛某人或被人寵愛。請盡情享受那美好的回憶吧，同時也應該感到慶幸一切都過去了。我們實在無法長期滿足對方虛無縹緲的期待。總有一天，我們必須從別人身上發掘自我，而不是喪失自我。
《愛、欲望、出軌的哲學》，哈洛德．柯依瑟爾、歐依根．舒拉克／著，張存華／譯，P.71-73
乘小巴回家，
耳裡是 Damien Rice 悲哀的嗓子跟音樂，
夾雜著司機超速行車時，
規律得像心跳般的示警聲。
腦子裡無意識地想著一些人和事，
忽然好像有所頓悟－－
其實，
我很久，
已沒有為自己自私地作過任何事。
彷彿找到了長久以來悲哀的原因。
我是否該為此覺醒而感到欣喜？
"You just wanted out, huh?"
"I wanted IN! I just wanted us to live again. For years I thought we've shared this secret that we would be wonderful in the world. I didn't know exactly how, but just the possibility kept me hoping. How pathetic is that? So stupid. To put all your hopes in a promise that was never made? Frank knows what he wants, he found his place, he's just fine. Married, two kids, it should be enough. It is for him. And he's right. We were never special or destined or anything at all."
從多年的夢境中醒過來，
焦慮與恐懼，
然後尋得一絲自欺的希望，
再破滅。
看不到前路也回不了過去。
愛的人跟自己走散了，
只剩下自己一個徬徨無助。
到最後，連愛也消失，
就只有孤寂、孤寂。
太累而絕望，
然後把一切結束掉。
留下 Frank 自己一人，
繼續在浮生路上走。
＊ ＊ ＊
"Hopeless emptiness. Now you said it, plenty of people are on to the emptiness, but it takes real guts to see the hopelessness."
這個人，
令我想起尼采。
這些天裡很多關於我的事我都沒有寫下來，部份出於懶惰（現在我白天睡得又久又沉，似乎睡時體重變得較重），部份出於害怕，怕洩露我對自己的認知。這種害怕是有道理的，因為透過書寫自我認知將成定局，所以它若不是完整而面面俱到，所有枝微末節的可能後果都已考量在內，並且是完全真實的，實不宜貿然下筆。
《卡夫卡的日記》，1911 年 1 月 12 日
Well I held you like a lover
Happy hands and your elbow in the appropriate place
And we ignored our others, happy plans
For that delicate look upon your face
Our bodies moved and hardened
Hurting parts of your garden
With no room for a pardon
In a place where no one knows what we have done
Do you come
Together ever with him?
And is he dark enough?
Enough to see your light?
And do you brush your teeth before you kiss?
Do you miss my smell?
And is he bold enough to take you on?
Do you feel like you belong?
And does he drive you wild?
Or just mildly free?
What about me?
Well you held me like a lover
Sweaty hands
And my foot in the appropriate place
And we use cushions to cover
Happy glands
In the mild issue of our disgrace
Our minds pressed and guarded
While our flesh disregarded
The lack of space for the light-hearted In the boom that beats our drum
Well I know I make you cry
And I know sometimes you wanna die
But do you really feel alive without me?
If so, be free
If not, leave him for me
Before one of us has accidental babies For we are in love
Do you come
Together ever with him?
Is he dark enough?
Enough to see your light?
Do you brush your teeth before you kiss?
Do you miss my smell?
And is he bold enough to take you on?
Do you feel like you belong?
And does he drive you wild?
Or just mildly free?
What about me?
What about me?
中午起床，做家務，跟貓玩，聽聽剛買回來的唱片，吃午飯，看書。
時間還剩很多，我問自己，還可以做甚麼呢？
我還是，坐在電腦前發呆。
太陽消失掉之後，我給貓吃晚飯，
然後決定自己出去，漫無目的地遊蕩。
在地鐵隨便下了車，才發覺週末街上的人多得過份，
多得令我懷疑，在地球另一邊的地方，會否因為這邊人太多的關係，
地殼昇高了呢？
走在街上，越走越覺孤獨。
好像街上所有人都認識對方，
就只有我，是個透明的陌生人，
大家都看不見我。
透明得，在街上推銷寬頻和信用咭的，都看不見我。
慢慢地，我停下腳步，站在人潮中，
任由人群把我推走。
Well this has got to die
I said, this has got to stop
This has got to lie down
With someone else on top
Well, you can keep me pinned
It's easier to tease
But you can't paint an elephant
Quite as good as she
And she may cry like a baby
And she may drive me Crazy
'Cause I am lately lonely
So why'd you have to lie?
I take it I'm your crutch
The pillow in your pillow case
Is easier to touch
And when you think you've sinned
Do you fall upon your knees?
Or d'you sit within your picture?
Do you still forget the breeze?
And she may rise, if I sing you down
And she may wisely cling to the ground
Cause I am lately, horny
So why would she take me horny?
What's the point of this song? Or even singing?
You've already gone, why am I clinging?
Well I could throw it out, and I could live without
And I could do it all for you
I could be strong
Tell me if you want me to lie
'Cause this has got to die
I said, this has got to stop
This has got to lie down, down
With someone else on top
You can both keep me pinned
'Cause it's easier to tease
But you can't make me happy
Quite as good as me
Well you know that's a lie
Clementine: Joel, the eraser guys are coming here,
so what if you take me somewhere else,
somewhere where I don't belong,
and we hide there till morning?
Joel: Oh, man. I can't remember anything without you.
From the wrinkles on my forehead
To the mud upon my shoe
Everything's a memory
With strings that tie to you
In my dream I'm often running
To the place that's out of you
Of every kind of memory
With strings that tie to you
Though a change has taken place
And I no longer do adore her
Still every God forsaken place is always
Right around the corner
Now I know it's either them or me
So I'll bury every clue
And every kind of memory
With strings that tie to you
And every kind of memory
With strings that tie to you
為甚麼常常會想起這齣電影呢？
很久以前看過一次罷了，片段卻總是在腦海中重放著。
Mary引用尼采的說：
"Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders."
如果可以，我也想得到祝福，
幸福得把這齣電影也忘掉。
