固執

對大人而言，看來差不多的東西都是一樣的。因為大人不在乎不介意，但小娃兒硬是可以直覺地在工廠作業一次出產幾百隻的布偶裡，挑出，那一隻，只屬於他或她的最愛。愛它，直到那氣味出現，從此，再也不能分開。

如果你是一個擇善固執或擇愛固執的人，那你，還有顆不可理喻的童心。但如果你告訴我，人啊，總是要從善如流或從愛如流，恭喜你，你大抵不會再受到什麼傷害，因為，不見了，失去了，沒什麼了不起。

《告別式從明天開始》，張家瑜／著

折磨

我輕輕地闔上的此段記事，現在我在這裡回憶，一切都已然過去並帶著一種大驚小怪的誇張，但因為我身在網中，我是那個偏執於愛而受困於心的人，我理應了解，計畫永遠在意外中被重設。而心情原來是邊走邊被建構，由不得你。預告的片子沒有那麼容易遵循我們心中的意旨行事。但誰能平心靜氣地不恐懼不悲觀於最壞的結局？

在我最脆弱之時，我最濫情。精神敏銳地觀察，而肉體遲鈍地接受。

那折磨，彷彿以一種告誡的口氣說著，別太愛一個人，愛有多深，它回應於你的悲傷與恐懼就有多深。

《告別式從明天開始》，張家瑜／著

不是一種缺憾

令我驚悸的是──或說是焦慮（不安）的是，
其實少了她不是一種缺憾
（我不能把它描繪成一種缺憾，
我的生活並沒有因此解體），
而是一個傷口，
在愛的中心，一個會痛的傷口。

11月24日──《哀悼日記》，羅蘭．巴特／著，劉俐／譯

兩個世界

睡眠帶領我從一個世界走到另一個世界。

很多時候我都不懂分辨，
那個世界才是我原來的世界。
我到底是從「真實」的世界這兒回去，
還是從「夢境」的世界那兒回來。
在「這邊」遇上的人和事，
到了「那邊」之後總是變成模糊的記憶。
這些記憶，像斷斷續續的碎片，
飄散在我腦袋的角落裡。

就好像跟Ｋ的回憶，或者是跟Ｐ的回憶，
我都不能確定它們的真確性。
當我努力回想我是否跟她們說過一些話，
或者是否和她們到過某些地方時，
我總是不能把記憶拼湊成一個完整得令自己信服的景像。

如今看著變得陌生的她們，
令我懷疑，我跟她們的回憶到底是從不存在，
抑或是我從另一個世界帶過來的真實記憶？

It didn't take you long

Well it didn't take you long, did it babe
To learn to sing my song and get yourself laid
It didn't take you long, did it babe
The moment i was gone you're the master of the slaves
It didn't take me long to realize
that all of your songs were just lies, lies, lies
And it didn't take me long, did it babe?
I want you to find a new boy whose face you could shave

Ok i'm sorry, i'm just a little angry with you
cause it dug like a quarry when you were angry with me
And maybe it's not right, yeah but hell i'm angry with you
Is there not enough light or do you just not see
what you do is what you hated in me though i was never free enough to...

Well it didn't take you long, did it babe?
I'm all alone in the last step of the race
Yeah and it didn't take you long, did it babe?
The moment i was gone you're in the master's parade
And it didn't take you long to tell your friends
How i done you wrong and just left you in the end
Yeah but it didn't take you long, did it babe
to find a new boy whose dick you could crave

Ok i'm sorry, i'm just a little angry with you
Cause it dug like a quarry when you were angry with me
and maybe it's not right, yeah but hell i'm angry with you
Is there not enough light or do you just not see
what you do is what you hated in me though i was never free enough to...

One

Is it getting better?
Do I feel the same?
Will it make it easier on me now?
I've got someone to blame
You say...

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves me baby
If I Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in my mouth
I act like I never had love
And I want you to go without

Well it's...
Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other
One...

I've come here for forgiven
I've come to raise the dead
I've come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in my head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
I gave you nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again

You say
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
I ask you to enter
But then I made you crawl
You can't be holding on
To what I've got
When all I've got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life
I got to do what I should

One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers

One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

這個時候

我比以前更深地躲進自己一個人的世界裡。我習慣一個人吃飯、一個人散步、一個人到泳池去游泳、一個人去聽聲樂會，或看電影。而且這樣並不特別覺得寂寞或難過。我常常想起島本、想起泉。她們現在不知道在哪裡？正在做什麼？或許兩個人都已經結了婚，說不定孩子都有了。不過不管境遇如何，我總是希望能和她們見面，至少談一點話也好，只要一個小時也好，如果是島本的話，或者是泉的話，我就可以比較正確地表達我的心情。我想到該如何和泉言歸於好的方法，想到該如何和島本重逢方法，以這來打發時間。我想如果真的能這樣的話，不知道該有多好。可是我並沒有付出任何努力去實現這想法。結果她們已是從我的人生中失去的存在者。時鐘是不能逆轉的。我變得經常自言自語，夜裡一個人喝酒。而且開始想或許我會一輩子都不結婚，也是在那個時候。

《國境之南．太陽之西》，村上春樹／著，賴明珠／譯

綿綿

和妳也許不會再相擁
大概妳的體重　會抱我造夢
從前為了不想失約　連病都不敢痛
到哪一天　才回想起　我蠢

和妳也許不會再通宵
坐到咖啡酸了　喝也喝不掉
從前為妳捨得無聊　寧願休息不要
談論連場大雨妳窗台漏水　不得了

從來未愛妳　綿綿
可惜我愛懷念　尤其是代我傷心的唱片
從來未愛妳　但永遠為任何人奉獻
從來沒細心數清楚　一個夏雨天
一次愉快的睡眠　斷多少的髮線

和妳也許不會再擁抱　待妳我都蒼老
散半里的步　前塵就似輕於鴻毛
提及心底苦惱　如像自言自語說他人是非　多麼好

從來未愛妳　綿綿
可惜我愛懷念　尤其是代我傷心的唱片
從來未愛妳　但永遠為任何人奉獻
從來沒細心數清楚　一個夏雨天
一次愉快的睡眠　斷多少髮線

從來未愛妳　只喜愛跟一顆心血戰
亦懷念那些吸不透的香煙
從來未愛妳　只喜愛共萬人迷遇見
從來沒細心數清楚　一個夏雨天
一次愉快的睡眠　斷多少髮線